zombies…. ok, let me start by saying i’m far from a zombie purist. i won’t bore rooms of people with why zombies shouldn’t run, though i have had a rant or two about why piling up living mounds of bodies to reach helicopters might be crossing the ridiculous line. you know what you did, Brad. and i recently watched train to busen, and thought it was great cheesy fun. i think different cultures have interesting takes on zombies, and while sometimes it can be a little too silly (big tit zombies/ dead sushi), movies like that don’t usually take themselves to seriously.

a zombie fights for his right to resist cultural appropriation.

then there’s resident evil… a japanese series, that didn’t follow the whole ‘don’t take yourself to seriously if you’re gonna be silly’. it sets a confusing tone. back in the day, when i played the first few on the original playstation, you might think, ‘well, the graphics are lo res, and the voice acting is bad’, but you let alot of things slide, cause video games were coming into their own. as the series went on, you began to realize, ‘oh… they meant to do some of that stuff… huh’, and with that, the bloom was off the rose.

i really wanted to give resident evil 7 a fair shot. it had a lot to live up to, with all the hype, but it only had to be better than 6 to not be the worst resident evil experience ever, and that’s a low bar. so i came into it with an open mind. the demo was creepy, and cinematic, and tense, and my wife almost got cold cocked sneaking up behind me and saying ‘BOO’. but it was fun, and she ducked, so i was excited for the real game. which as it turns out…. *spoilers* has no zombies.

not in the traditional sense at least. and if your zombies don’t look clearly like they had past lives, bank accounts, emails from exes in their inboxes, then they weren’t real people, and the actual zombie terror has been subtracted. what you have at that point, are just ‘monsters’. oh, and giant bugs. and that’s it. and that’s not really all that scary. people who make these games should know better. and i should know… when i worked in games, i designed and modeled a zombie for a game i was working on. he was supposed to be a generic drowned looking zombie. so i put pants on him, like someone who might have lived, and then died, as in ‘drowned’. my boss, who remains one of the stupidest people i’ve ever met, made me de-pants him, remarking ‘why would a zombie be wearing pants?!’

i think resident evil suffers from the same ailment as all long running franchises. if there’s no where left to go, rip off other IP, and just change ‘everything’. make a cameo or two old characters, and make sure ‘herbs’ are everywhere so we know it’s an RE game, but without the window dressing, i might have just thought it was a silent hill game. or watching the new rob zombie film….

i’m not going to say it didn’t have fun moments. it did, but i think this is not the resurrection of their intellectual property. and i LOVE zombie stuff! i want so much to have my socks knocked off at  rocket propelled speeds. but i think zombies, as subject matter is done. for a while at least. we should have a moratorium on them for the next 10 years, at least. let them rest in peace, so we can all drop our guard, and be ready for something shocking. not this tired shambolic regurgitation of overly chewed ideas we have to claw through right now.